Contests
Navigating and cultivating relationships with stepchildren
By Kellie Carrara
When Melanie Cataldo of Hingham married her husband Michael nine years ago, she became a wife and a stepmother. Her stepchildren, two girls and a boy, entering adolescence at the time, accepted her fine, but were still dealing with their parents’ divorce…that had happened nearly three years prior.
“It was a bit of a hurdle at the beginning,” Cataldo says, especially on the part of her eldest stepdaughter, who was understandably loyal to her biological mother.
“But what made it successful was to do things as a family. Meals, fun stuff, homework, everything. You [as a stepparent] have to get involved and not be an outsider. You really have to make an effort.”
Although Massachusetts has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country, there are thousands of blended families making it work throughout the state, through shared custody agreements.
“It’s walking a fine line. As a stepparent, you have to know when to back off, and always respect the parent,” she said.
Cataldo is now extremely close to her stepchildren, and reflects on the rewards.
“If you do it right, they [the children] confide in you like a friend, but still respect you like a mother,” she said of the bond she now has with her stepdaughters. “The best case scenario in a blended family is to respect and trust each other, and with that, a friendship will come, and you can share. But you really have to earn it.”
Mike Maher of Franklin, a stepfather of just over a year, agreed.
“I made it very clear I was not replacing his father,” he said, when talking about his 15-year-old stepson. “That’s key. Then the respect comes. He’s very respectful of me and listens to me, although sometimes he slips and calls me ‘dude,’” he joked.
Maher and his stepson also found a common interest in music, something that has proven helpful in building their own bond. Picking up on how good his stepson was at the video game Guitar Hero, Maher introduced him to actual guitar playing and says not only has their love for music grown together, his stepson has become quite a good player.
But realizing that his wife and stepson are the family that he became a part of, he knows his own boundaries.
“At times, he capitalizes on time with his mother, and I’m OK with that. I respect their space,” he says. “That’s another key thing, knowing when to step in and when to hang back.”
Frances Friedlander, a social worker with Tri-Valley Counseling in Milford, said stepparents have to abide by those boundaries and be respectful of their role in the stepchild’s life—and make sure they are on the same page as the biological parent with discipline and civility.
“It’s a very slippery slope. If there are adults in the house, they are the parental figures and they should feel empowered to teach respect and communication,” she said. “It’s so important to communicate all the time – to let them [the children] know they’re loved no matter what.”
While the initial separation of parents may come as a shock to children, it may also come as a relief to them, Friedlander said, stating that as long as children see that parents are still in their lives, they can see that mom and dad don’t necessarily have to live in the same house.
“Divorce is not the end of the world. Kids are amazingly adaptive and resilient and will do better if parents continue to both parent their children, don’t use their children as pawns, set boundaries and get support,” she said. “It takes a lot of maturity and it can be really wonderful when everyone gets along – the kids do very well, and it’s kind of like a more the merrier idea.”
Susan Heid, a PCI Certified Family Coach® from Seattle, and stepmother herself, said a couple has to make a concentrated effort on creating a blended family.
“Sometimes ideas of what normal families do might not apply to a blended family,” she explained, saying that each parental figure brings past and new individual traditions into the family.
“It’s hard as a stepparent, but realize the impact you have on the child – step outside of yourself, and realize the relationship is not about you. Stepparenting is a completely different world than that of parents and their own biological child.”
And if those dreaded words “You’re not my mom or dad” come, Heid said, as Maher did, acknowledge that the child is right, and that this new relationship of stepparent and child is a transition.
“Don’t get into a power struggle or disagreement,” she said. “It still stings when it’s said, but you’re never going to be the ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ in the relationship. Just accept it as it is. Acceptance and change could take six months, it could take five years. If a child reaches out, then be there…on their comfort level.”
Caitlin Crownenshield of Taunton is an adult child of divorced parents, both remarried, and she said that acceptance of a new family is quite an adjustment, especially when a parent marries someone who also has children.
“It’s adjusting to a whole new family,” she said, of her mother’s re-marriage to a man that had three daughters of his own. “The hardest part is trying to stay neutral yourself, between your parents—even though they are both much happier now.”
Crownenshield and her two younger sisters essentially made a pact after their parents’ divorce, one that has made them a very tight three-unit family.
“We decided we couldn’t divorce each other, and that made us closer,” she said. “You learn to compromise, but scheduling visits just drives me nuts. And the biggest fear that children of divorce have is that they’ll divorce too. But if anything, their divorce has taught me that it’s OK.”
Then there are the families that have multiple children from previous marriages like Crownenshield’s, and re-marriages that eventually welcome new children in, like Cataldo’s. She and her husband Michael now have a 5-year-old that her grown stepbrother and stepsisters adore.
“If a new one comes along, the love just grows,” Cataldo said. “But you need to be extremely sensitive to the other children’s position.”
And offering one final piece of advice, Cataldo urges families to really think about what becoming a stepparent means.
“Before you enter a marriage and become a stepparent, you have to go in with your eyes wide open,” she said. “Be aware, knowledgeable and talk about expectations. It’s a package deal – you marry the whole family…and it can be extremely rewarding.”
Kellie Carrara is a regular contributor who lives in Franklin with her husband and 5-year-old daughter.
SIDEBAR 1
READ
The Smart Stepmom
By Laura Petherbridge
Written by a stepmom of 24 years, Petherbridge gives a guide that addresses some of the most common stepmom concerns and questions. She acts as a teacher, revealing ways to survive and thrive as a smart stepmother from embracing realistic expectations to surviving the financial strain of a stepfamily.
CHECK OUT THIS SITE
A supportive site and blog that encourages mothers of all children, helping moms find and giving them the confidence they need to deal with life’s challenges.
By Susan Heid, Certified Parent Coach® and Certified Family Manager® Coach
SIDEBAR 2
TOP WAYS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF BLENDED FAMILIES
A few quick tips offered by experts and stepparents on making blended families work
• Treat everyone involved with respect
• Establish boundaries for everyone
• Be mindful of everyone’s relationship with the child(ren)
• Be accepting of a relationship as it is, it will evolve and change with time
• Problem solve around parent issues only with an ex
